A Love Letter to My Mom and My Kids by Susan Shifay Cheung
Baby Shifay and her Mother
According to my two children, Marcus and Lauren, it’s hard to be a mom because she has to pack lunches, cook, tuck her kids into bed, look after them when sick, take them to places and help them with homework. And give them lots of hugs, especially after she’s been cranky with them!
All true, but what my kids don’t see are the things that keep me up at night–how to pay the bills, concerns about their wellbeing and plans for their future.
Until I became a mom, I didn’t fully appreciate the depth of hardship my own mother went through to give me the choices I have today.
My parents were born in Guangzhou, China and lived in Hong Kong, where they faced many hardships, before they immigrated to England in the mid-1960s; my father first and my mother two years later. They arrived, after several weeks on a ship, with no money and little education, but bundles of hope to start a new life.
Working all hours and making the most of every opportunity they were given, despite racism and prejudice, they saved enough to start their own restaurant and went on to raise five children. My childhood was spent helping in the family business. It was drummed into me to do well at school.
That discipline paid off and I set a precedent by being the first in my family to go to college.
Love, marriage and big dreams brought me to the United States. I’m as much a pioneer here as my mother was in England. I’m living new cultural norms, just as my mother did. I feel the responsibility of raising my kids without extended family support, just as she did.
After my first-born came, I had one of those light-bulb moments. I understood why my mom instilled in me the mantra: “To know who you are, you need to know where you come from.”
One day, I’ll be the matriarch and tell my kids and, hopefully, grandkids about their ancestry, and I realized I didn’t know enough. I quizzed my mom on her youth in China and her early married life in England. I wrote down her memories and videotaped her and my father sharing their stories; the good and the bad.
Hopefully, my kids will carry forward a strong sense of their heritage, along with an open-minded attitude.
And what will I be doing on Mothers’ Day? I will be sharing family stories with Marcus and Lauren, of course.
Susan Shifay Cheung
Susan Shifay Cheung has turned her hand to many forms of writing in her various roles, over the years, as corporate trainer, management consultant, journalist and freelance writer. You can contact her at y2s2cheung@yahoo.com.
Let’s Eat!
Here is a great read on a new report that family meals are on the rise. Great job Moms!
Here is the link to the study: http://njaes.rutgers.edu/spotlight/eating-together.asp
Sometimes They Win…
Recently, our preschooler has been throwing some fits in the morning while getting ready for school. Since there was school testing this past week, I simply could not endure another meltdown in the morning. So, I gathered all those parenting advice columns I read and all the family therapy knowledge I acquired in grad school and came up with a plan: rather than going to school she’d spend the entire day in her room. While her Dad worked downstairs, by the end of the day I just knew she’d definitely wish she was in preschool and my motherhood mantra would surely be re-established.
Well, it backfired…completely utterly backfired. When I checked in on her a little while later to engage in the necessary parental follow up discussion prescribed in all the parenting books, her response told me the volley was hers alone: ”Well, at first I thought it would be bad, but now I see that playing with toys is so much more fun than school. Let’s do it again, Mommy.”
Score one for the preschooler.
Happy Monday!
4Ds; It’s Time for Spring Clean
By Susan Shifay Cheung
No more clutter for me:)
April rain, mowers cutting grass, and flowers and plants coming to bloom; it’s spring time and my windows are wide open.
But, hold it… Argh! I see dust bunnies I can no longer ignore.
Yup, that time is here; spring cleaning and I hate it!
I have my sights on the untidy mountain of my children’s artwork—their masterpieces from school, sick days, holidays and play dates piled under the coffee table.
I pause here, as my mommy brain battles with my rational brain. I have to keep the artwork, right? These are important expressions of my children’s development.
A mommy moment: “Of course, those blobs look like elephants!”
Will they hate me one day because I shredded their finger paintings? How about those homemade Birthday, Christmas, Chinese New Year and Valentine’s cards? Will they sit before a counselor and blame me because I destroyed their outpourings of love?
Why stop at artwork and cards? What about clothes and shoes they’ve outgrown or toys they don’t use? Will they hold me responsible for disposing of Barbie or Thomas, even though they’d be too embarrassed to even admit they’d ever owned one?
Quit stalling. Make a decision, now. They won’t care. The yard sale is tomorrow.
My rational brain wins. The clutter has to go.
Ugh! I’ve become a hoarder! How many years of utility bills, banks statements and check stubs do I need to keep. I think five years is too much, don’t you?
I used to be the queen of organization–at work. Clearly, I’ve forgotten the good practices I used when I was in the corporate sector because they can equally be applied at home.
The 4 Ds of De-Cluttering:
DO – Make your “to-do” list and put a priority timeframe next to the task, such as A) has to be done now, B) has to be done in the next two weeks, and C) has to be done by the end of the month.
DELAY – While you can have a few Cs on your list, don’t make them all Cs, or else all will be forgotten as life takes over.
DELEGATE – You may think you’re the only person, who can do all of this, but you do have other people on hand to help. You only have to ask. So what if they don’t do it exactly as you would, but the task will be done.
DUMP – There are treasured things I’ll never throw away, like old family photos, but all else can be replaced. This is the most important D. The rule of thumb is to be ruthless in dumping.
Now, how ruthless can I be?
Susan S. Cheung (known to many by her Chinese name, Shifay) has turned her hand to many forms of writing in her various roles, over the years, as corporate trainer, management consultant, journalist and freelance writer. You can contact her at y2s2cheung@yahoo.com.
Bullying: What Moms Need To Know
Bullying is something that touches the heart of almost every mother. Recently, I asked my friend, colleague and bullying expert Kary Valdes, LCSW her thoughts on bullying.
1. Bullying has become a constant topic in the news over the past few years. As a child and adolescent therapist, what do you think moms need to know about bullying?
I think that everyone needs to realize that Bullying is not going away. It has been around since the beginning of time and is part of human behavior. Bullying happens in all aspects of life, not just in schools. It happens in church, at the ball park, in your office, at your job, with your partner, with your children, in government, in politics, in families and so on. Bullying is something that we can learn how to handle and manage as it is part of all aspects of life.
2. What signs can moms look for in their child or his/her behavior to determine if bullying is taking place, especially for the kids that tend to be more reserved?
School refusal would be the obvious sign. Then there can be stomach issues, tearfulness, agitation, not sleeping,anxiety, etc. These can also be symptoms of other things and the parent would have to rule out any medical issues first.
3. We know to not overlooked or ignore bullying. What would you say to moms that may feel cautious to be seen as overprotective and still want to be their child’s advocate?
They need to be led by the child. Some children are aware that things will get worse if parents, teachers, and other school officials are involved. Rescuing kids implies that they cannot handle it and supports that they are a victim. Coaching kids on how to respond to bullying, nurturing them and encouraging them is the best way to start.
4. Is there a solution to bullying?
Yes there is!! The solution to bullying is the Golden Rule. Treat others the way you would want to be treated. This begins in the home at a young age and is fostered by parents.
5. We often talk about the child that is being bullied or the victim, but not enough about the one that is actually what some would consider, “ the Bully.” What thoughts do you have on why some kids become the bully?
We would first have to define bullying. Bullying in today’s terms means several things…any words that may cause uncomfortable feelings to another person,teasing, joking, the class clown is now a bully, anything negative about anyone,comedians. There is also a difference between bullying behavior and criminal behavior. Rape is criminal behavior, assault is criminal behavior, stealing is criminal behavior and should be handled as a crime.
The focus is actually on the response of the victim to the bullying. The victims are the ones shooting the schools, the victims are hurting themselves. It is the response the victims have to bullying that is in the news.
Bullies unfortunately are you and me, it’s our children that are verbally attacking another child for being homosexual. They are not criminals: they are “mean.” We as parents role model appropriate and inappropriate behaviors to our children not by our words but by our actions.
We know that children who are abused in their homes by someone that is supposed to care for them may be more inclined to bully others than those that are not abused. Children that are struggling to survive in their own lives feel less. When interviewed most “bullies” feel like they are the ones being bullied. Everyone feels like the victim. Especially since schools are switching from institutions for education to police states. Now the teachers, principles, other students and other school faculty are bullying anyone they may believe to be a bully. (Interesting contradiction)
The policies we have to reduce and eliminate bullying actually have fostered more bullying by those who would have never in the past behaved that way, i.e. teachers and other educators.
Zero Tolerance for Bullying in schools has failed. It has actually failed several times. Schools continue to adopt this policy because they feel they have no other solutions that work.
What resources would you recommend to moms about bullying?
I recommend Bullies to Buddies developed by Izzy Kalman.
Parent Talk with Kary and contacting me at www.karyvaldeslcsw.com
Testing From The School of Motherhood
This week our school will be conducting the cumulative testing that takes place every year. We’ve received notes of the importance of getting a good night’s sleep, a proper breakfast…and the biggie in our house…Don’t be late! As a parent, I recognize the significance of an education. And I am so indebted and humbled by the countless ways teachers every day utilize their unique gifts to help educate young minds. It’s surely not my calling.
Yet, as a mom, we encounter a different curriculum. What if there were a yearly test for how my children demonstrate their aptitude for caring for others? Or testing for being a leader and believing in themselves despite popular opinion? An aptitude test for standing up for her own convictions without casting judgment on others, and willing to work with others of a different opinion to form a workable solution? Or even the test of not confusing the mistakes you make with the person that you really are. These may be tougher lessons to teach, but ones in which moms play very significant roles.
And here’s the secret: No one does it perfectly…but the fact that we try means our kids and society are better for it.
So when those times of self doubt come creeping in, I don’t want to overlook the greater lessons that can only be taught from the school for mothering.
A New Definition of Motherhood…Are you In?
Recently I’ve been reading alot of research on motherhood for an upcoming book I’m co authoring. In the midst of the studies the continued stress placed upon mothers is ever present. No matter which road we go down, we are likely to step on the landmines of guilt, imperfection and even shame. Recognizing the pitfalls in my own motherhood journey, the thought came to me that we need a new definition of motherhood. Today’s ideals are largely based upon last generation’s dogma, methodolgy and culture. Our mothers did not have children growing up with the internet. They did not have the pressure to work in order to feel like a self fulfilled woman. They did not have to worry about the myriad of academic pressures facing many of our kids. Their time was not dealt like a deck of cards between school, work and sports. Their attention was not distracted by smart phones, ipods and computer tablets. Simply put, the challenges are different for us today then they were for them. So then it postulates that we would also need a new definition of motherhood. One that rises to the needs of today’s mother, without the guilt and shame trappings of yesteryear.
As a mom of the 21 century, “a good mother” is far more gray than the black and white demands of yesterday. We can work and still raise great kids. We can work without being selfish and we can stay home without being accused of being superior. Our kids enjoy so many more opportunities and we can do our best to juggle them and expect to drop the ball often. We can feed our kids non-organic food without having to use coupons every time we go the grocery store. Our kids can spend a day in their pajamas watching TV while we get some work done. And we can do all of this without guilt. Why? Because times are changing….mostly for the better…and so can the way we look at ourselves.
A new definition of Motherhood….I’m in…are you?
Do you have Mommy Brain?
Well, it’s official. I still have Mommy Brain….at times at least. It explains a lot of things, actually, such as why I go upstairs to get the laundry and then start organizing my daughter’s kindergarten papers from last year that I happen to see in the closet as I am looking for an extra hanger or two then go back downstairs (now, an hour later) and see the washing machine open and recall that “Oh, yea, I went upstairs to get the laundry!” Off I go, again, to get that laundry. On the way, I notice a little fur ball (thanks Kitty) so I go to retrieve some carpet cleaner and see a letter that needs to go out today….so out to the mailbox where I see the flowers I bought that MUST be watered. It’s HOT!! While getting the watering bucket, I notice that my daughter’s sporting goods are in disarray and arrange things very neatly on her little shelf then go in as I recall that it’s almost time to meet the school bus. I really need to finish checking email and sending appointment reminders for my clients….which I quickly do only to realize I have sent them for the wrong day–after getting that corrected I notice that darn fur ball again….back to get the carpet cleaner….Got it! Clean up the fur ball and go back out to water flowers when I notice the laundry….Oh yea! Laundry! Run upstairs, grab the laundry….run downstairs, toss it in, run to meet the bus noticing I forgot to water the flowers all the while wondering if I turned on the washing machine.
Mommy Brain.
I assumed this Mommy Brain would last about a year but since my child is now 7, it is decidedly a new “way of life.” I attribute it to “Multitasking Overload.” Rather than Mommy Brain, I may say I am having an MIA, Maternal Intellectual Atrocity–I refuse to say my brain has atrophied when it feels it will explode from all the details I am “juggling” at any one time. Rather, the details have to “take turns” being processed which is really how our brains work anyway. We actually “switch” quickly from one activity to another, often back and forth, rather than truly processing more than one thing at a time. In short, we are ALWAYS dropping a ball-hopefully we just won’t forget to pick it up again. At least, we can keep our highest focus on our priorities and try to include our own self-care as a critical priority. Taking good care of yourself as a Mommy is the best gift you can give your child, making you a happier, calmer, and more present parent. Have a Perfectly Imperfect Day!
I Love My Daily Juggling Routine...most days:)
And Away We Go….
Spring Break season is coming fast. Can you believe it?? And with Spring Break often comes family travel. And with family travel comes the task of keeping kids occupied. If your family will be heading on an adventure for Spring Break, here are some of our proven tips that have made the transportation more enjoyable.
1. Great Family Discussion.
Family trips are a great time to catch up with the happenings of your kids. Or it is a great time to just chat about things and get to know your kids greater. Some of our best discussions have been in car rides. Another great option if you have younger ones is to make a story, each person adding to the story in a period of 10 minutes. I Spy and Guess A Riddle are also fun time consumers.
2. Audio books from the library.
We recently discovered audio books. Many are available for free online or at you local library. There is something about listening to a storyteller that takes a person back to fond memories.
3. Throw away toys
For the younger ones, we gather those small toys and crayons from local restaurant chains and keep them for trips. If they get lost or broken, it doesn’t seem to matter as much. Reusable stickers books and Crayola Color Wonder markers are also a hit.
4. Don’t be afraid to use technology.
When I was a young mom, I really go caught up in how much TV my children watched – even on long trips. Then I discovered the joy of a portable DVD player. Why make the trip miserable for both of us? A few hours on a long trip is not going to make their brains go to mush. We have also recently invested in some rechargeable batteries for some of their portable games.
5. Bribery
I must admit, I’m not above bribery when it comes to traveling. On long car rides or flights, small candies have become a life saver..no pun intended. The peace and anticipation of “another surprise in 30 minutes if you have a great attitude” is totally worth the $1.50 for a bag of jelly beans.
Happy Spring Break!
Oh, No! Here I Go, Again!
By Susan Shifay Cheung
“Dear No Mommy’s Perfect,
I have a dirty secret. I’m not a SuperMom. Though, I put on a good show.
I run from work to school to home to take my two kids (ages seven and eight) to their sports, music lessons, play dates, birthday parties, community service and cultural activities.
In truth, I hate running everywhere because a) I hate driving, b) I feel like a chauffeur and c) I’m burning up limited carbon fuels waiting in pick-up lines.
There are evenings where I barely have time to throw them a plate of food, check their homework and get them to bed.
And what happened to snuggly, reading-them-a-story, “mommy and me” time? I can hardly keep my eyes open, my nerves are frayed and I just want them to sleep.
I tell myself sternly every year I won’t sign them up for too many activities, but, somehow, that falls on my deaf ears and here we are, again.
Why do I do it to myself and feel like a big fat failure when I can’t do it all perfectly?
- Frustrated, slightly insane, not-at-all perfect, trying-to-be and failing miserably SuperMom in the burbs!”
I don’t have to wait for a reply. Deep down, I know the truth.
I’ve compared notes and heard similar stories. Many are out with their kids six nights a week, leaving one night of down time. And what do they do? They clean, do laundry, and a hundred and one other chores.
Where does that leave precious personal time? Nowhere.
A Typical Mommy Day:)
And that’s the problem.
Overextending ourselves is easy to do. We can run on empty. It becomes a habit; a second skin. Often, we subvert our own needs for our family members and that’s where we make our biggest mistake. We neglect to carve out some “me” time in our busy schedules, and, when we get cranky because we’re exhausted, we have nobody but ourselves to blame.
I believe it’s not just our physical bodies we have to take care of to be fully charged and ready for whatever the day throws at us. There are other needs we have to feed and repair, if we’re to function at our best.
Think of your whole self as these four quadrants when you consider how you live your day-to-day life:
Physical
Mental
Emotional
Spiritual
What gaps are there in each quadrant when confronted with creating your “me” time? I challenge you to be really honest with yourself.
Personal “me” time isn’t about making time to clean the house. It’s about doing something (or not doing something) that recharges you.
When all’s said and done, it doesn’t matter that my kids have to do another sports, play another instrument or speak a third language, as long as they’re happy and healthy. And I get to keep my sanity!
Susan S. Cheung (known to many by her Chinese name, Shifay) has turned her hand to many forms of writing over the years in her various roles as corporate trainer, management consultant, journalist and freelance writer. By her own admission, she’s an imperfect mom of two and is currently working on a chick-lit novel set in her home town of London, England. She lives in Franklin, TN. You can contact her at y2s2cheung@yahoo.com.